Once upon a time, in an alleyway in the slums of the City of Lockes, a young and somewhat lonely boy named Sam Haversford turns a group of teenage douchebags into stone completely by accident.
Of course, this catches the attention of a higher power, and Sam’s pulled from the only world he knows to become an apprentice to the King’s Wizard, Morgan of Shadows.
When Sam is fourteen, he enters the Dark Woods and returns with Gary, the hornless gay unicorn, and a half-giant named Tiggy, earning the moniker Sam of Wilds.
At fifteen, Sam learns what love truly is when a new knight arrives at the castle. Sir Ryan Foxheart, the dreamiest dream to have ever been dreamed.
Naturally, it all goes to hell through the years when Ryan dates the reprehensible Prince Justin, Sam can’t control his magic, a sexually aggressive dragon kidnaps the prince, and the King sends them on an epic quest to save Ryan’s boyfriend, all while Sam falls more in love with someone he can never have.
Or so he thinks.
4 stars for the story
6 stars for the banter and the characters
And all the stars for the narrator Michael Lesley!!!!
That book had me cackling like a mad woman while walking on the street. I might have attracted many concerned looks from passerby who suddenly had the need to give me a wide berth. But whatever! It was so worth it!
A huge part of the fun was of course the extraordinary banter but also the mad acting skills of Michael Lesley! I recommend the audiobook as he did all the voices very convincingly and made that satire into something irresistible! I hope he got paid a lot!
What is The Lightning-Struck Heart?
If I had to label it, I’d say it’s a very gay satire of fantasy books taking place in medieval times. Think like Merlin as you have wizards, wizard apprentice, unicorns, knights, kings, giants, prince, dragon, fairy etc.
And gay in French written as “gai” means joyful! So that’s a very gay/gai satire here!
The plot was pretty straightforward as you have a wizard apprentice, Sam , who happens to get kidnapped a lot charged with the rescue of Prince Justin, captured by a dragon. So it’s a quest of sort. Intertwined with a budding romance story between Sam and knight immaculate Ryan Foxheart.
Of course, along the way, they’ll encounter all sorts of traps and magical creatures.
But that’s not the plot that makes the book. It’s the irresistible characters and the humor! Prepare for a lot of quotes because I want you to have a good idea of the banter!
–Sam. Wizard apprentice of Morgan, possessing immense power and prone to get kidnapped by dark wizards or “gay fairy” married.
Sam never stops talking. And he has no mouth filter so that gave many laugh out loud moments!
He has had a huge (not so) secret crush on Ryan Foxheart and tends to lose his head and run the other way when he crosses path with him.
Sam also has two best friends: Gary and Tiggy.
“I like your shoes,” I said. Because I did. They were pink and pointed, and I wanted a pair like that so bad. My mom and dad groaned. Morgan looked at me and cocked his head.
“Thank you, little one. I made them out of the tears of a succubus and a lightning-struck tree stump I found under the Winter Moon. I like your face.”
I grinned. “Thank you, big one. My parents made it when they got married. I was a honeymoon baby, whatever that means.”
–Gary. He is a very gay and very drama queen hornless unicorn. My favorite character with Sam! Gary’s banter was amazing with his diva attitude, love for making Sam blush while talking of swinging sex, Sam’s flower etc. You will never catch Gary without his scarves and the shinier the better! He also love dying his mane and putting varnish on his hooves. He is the queen of unicorns!
Also when he huffs or snorts some puff of colored glitter come out of his nostrils.
“You’re a talking unicorn,” I said. “Sometimes when you poop, it comes out as rainbows and smells like cookies. There is nothing subtle about you.”
“I am a strong, independent unicorn,and I will not take your shit.”
“Therapy,” Gary said. “I’m going to need so much therapy. It’s like watching cows mating and it’s wet and sticky and uncomforttable but I can’t look away because I’m worried some of it is going to get on me.”
–Tiggy. Is the protective giant. Talking in short sentences and sometimes slow to catch up, he’ll smash everyone and everything threatening his friends Sam and Garry.
“Tiggy smash something for Sam?”
“Tiggy smash something for Sam.”
He smashed one of the wooden sparring dummies.
“Thank you, Tiggy.”
“Tiggy smash!” he bellowed and then proceeded to smash three more.”
–Morgan the Wizard. He is Sam’s mentor. Very old, very patient. He loves Sam as a son and has learned to take everything in his stride with him, not questioning anything.
“Because you love me,” I said, sounding smug. “More like you grew on me,” he said. “Like fungus.”
–Ryan Foxheart. Knight immaculate. Delicious face. Captain of the knights. And The prince’s fiancé. He is dashing and immaculate, did I say it already? Well he bedazzled Sam all the time. And once you learn to know him, you seen the sensible man under the shiny armor. He is also very important to Sam in ways I won’t explain.
“Hi, my name is Ryan Foxheart. Oh no! There’s danger afoot! Let me pull out my sword and pose.” I mimed pulling a sword from my side and cocked an eyebrow. “Notice how dashing I am. And immaculate. And today, my hair is parted on the right. Wink.”
–Randall, an even older, even more powerful wizard than Morgan. Officiating at marriages, occasionally with a penis instead of a nose because of a very hormonal and obsessed teenage Sam…
“You’re alive, aren’t you? That’s more than I would have thought when I first met you.”
“That’s… comforting,” I said.
“Is it? Wasn’t meant to be. Simple recitation of fact.”
“Always a pleasure, Randall.”
“I wouldn’t go that far. I thought there was a good chance you would have blown yourself up by the time you turned fifteen.”
“I almost did,” I said. “Several times.”
“I still remember the day when Morgan told me about you. It was the day I first got an ulcer.”
And of course you have many other characters, all amazing in their own ways.
When I began saying this is a satire, it’s because everything is extreme and exaggerated in this book. Like the characters, the humor, everything! So don’t read trying to make sense just suspend your disbelief and embark on a ride you won’t forget!
You also have lots of sex talks, gay sex talk. And explicit scenes by the end. But it was so “bon enfant” as we say in French that you can’t take it very seriously even if you learn a lot, laugh a lot and sometimes cringe a little at some practice 😉
You want an example? Here we go:
“Or not,” I said as I ground my teeth. “I like to masticate by myself.” “And you’re so good at it,” Gary said. “The up and down motions of your… jaw. And then, upon completion, you swallow. Right, Sam? You swallow, don’t you?” “Of course I do,” I said, confused. What the hell were we talking about now? “I always swallow when I finish. What am I supposed to do? Spit it back out?”
Sorry for all the quotes but these are too funny and the whole book is like that! Just read it!
Thanks for reading!