Today I wanted to write some fun and short post to lighten the mood amidst the doom and gloom that Covid 19 is!
It was inspired by my latest shopping expedition when I thought that I was really planning this all grocery buying like I would go to battle! Something that used to be so easy suddenly took a turn into West Point academy!
You need proof? Ok let’s begin!
The goal: take the flag as in come back with a full cart without being touched by the enemy (literally) or even breathe in his vicinity! Avoid all bombs and mines as well.
1) Choose the time where the enemy is the weakest: not dawn or dusk as shops are closed but lunch time when they are empty. Everyone is eating. At worst they’ll be in a food coma and slow to move whilst you’ll be fast as quicksilver (of course, don’t eat before dumbass!).
3) Have your weapon at the ready: the shopping cart to keep the advised distance between you and the other shoppers. It also can be used to bump into other carts and spill the food piled in your enemy’s cart, distracting him while you’ll snatch the last toilet paper tray on the shelf!
4) Be patient to strike when the time is right: when that lady hesitates for hours in front of the carrots and you also need them you have to wait at a respectable distance away. All these years guarding the fort at night will be useful. Consider playing a game on your phone or read a book to pass the time.
5) Lead the enemy where you want him to go: away from your coveted last tray of toilet paper. Be smart: “Oh! I have seen a customer sneeze repeatedly on that tray! He’s been removed from the shop by a security guard in a hazmat. I’d be you I would flee” .
6) When your cart is full go to the cashier and avoid at all cost engaging in conversation! Even from afar, it’s a trick to distract you and steal the precious toilet paper in your cart. Be focused and don’t leave your loot out of sight!
7) Once everything has been paid and unloaded at home: decontaminate like you would some nuclear waste! Any cleaning and sanitizing product will help. Wash your hands repeatedly like you would wash your skin if it had been in contact with any chemical weapon.
8) You may take care of the weak and the wounded: deliver the ordered goods to your old mom, your sick neighbor (keeping your distance of course) your ….
8) Last, report to the chain of command alias: your wife or your husband or your kids or … All mistakes will be judged in martial court. The punishment will be severe: no Netflix binge for you tonight as you messed up and forgot the chocolate chips cookies.